Red Flag Assessment

One quick question first

How long have you been dating this person?

This helps us give you the most accurate context for your results.

Haven't been dating long enough for an accurate score — but something feels off? Start logging it in your Behavior Journal →

You can still continue — just keep in mind a low score this early may mean patterns haven't surfaced yet, not that you're safe.

Question 1 of 63

Part 1 of 5 Relationship Patterns

Something feel off? Start logging it in your Behavior Journal →

Pattern: Gaslighting

Question 1 of 60

When you bring up something your partner said or did that hurt you, does your partner deny it happened, say you're "remembering it wrong," or tell you you're too sensitive?

Never — they take my perspective seriously

Occasionally, but we work through it

Often — I find myself questioning my own memory

Almost always — I've stopped bringing things up because of this

Pattern: Gaslighting

Question 2 of 60

Do you feel like you're "going crazy" or that your emotional reactions are exaggerated or irrational — but only in this relationship?

No — I feel grounded and understood

Sometimes I second-guess myself

Often — I feel like something's wrong with me

Yes, frequently — and I never felt this way before this relationship

Pattern: Blame-Shifting

Question 3 of 60

When arguments happen, does it reliably end up being your fault — even when the argument started because of something they did?

No — we both take responsibility appropriately

Sometimes I end up apologizing but so do they

Frequently — arguments about their behavior somehow become about mine

Always — I can never remember a fight they took responsibility for

Pattern: Blame-Shifting

Question 4 of 60

Does your partner bring up your past mistakes during current arguments — things that have nothing to do with the present situation?

No — they focus on the current issue

Rarely, only if genuinely relevant

Often — it feels like a running list of my failures

Every single argument — nothing is ever forgiven

Pattern: Emotional Control

Question 5 of 60

Does your partner's mood dictate the atmosphere of your home or relationship — everyone walking on eggshells when they're in a bad mood?

No — their moods are their own to manage

Occasionally, but not more than any relationship

Often — I monitor their mood and adjust my behavior accordingly

Always — their mood is the first thing I check when they walk in

Pattern: Isolation

Question 6 of 60

Have you drifted away from close friends or family since being with your partner — even if it wasn't because of explicit fights about them?

No — my relationships with others are the same or stronger

A little, but mostly due to life circumstances

Yes, noticeably — I see people less often

Significantly — they are my primary relationship and I have few others

Pattern: Isolation

Question 7 of 60

When you spend time with friends or family, does your partner make you feel guilty, withdrawn, or punish you afterwards (silent treatment, starting a fight)?

No — they support my outside relationships

Occasionally they seem distant, but nothing significant

Often — I feel I have to "pay" for time spent with others

Always — it's easier to cancel plans than deal with the aftermath

Pattern: Control

Question 8 of 60

Does your partner comment negatively on your appearance, intelligence, choices, or competence — often framed as "just being honest" or "for your own good"?

No — they're genuinely supportive and respectful

Occasionally, but in a way that feels constructive

Often — I've changed things about myself because of their comments

Regularly — I feel smaller than I did before this relationship

Pattern: Control

Question 9 of 60

Does your partner try to control your finances, time, what you wear, who you talk to, or other aspects of your life — even subtly or indirectly?

No — I feel fully autonomous in my life

We compromise, but it feels mutual

He has opinions I feel pressured to comply with

Yes, multiple areas of my life feel restricted

Pattern: Hot-Cold Cycles

Question 10 of 60

Early in the relationship, did your partner move very fast — intense affection, constant contact, big declarations of love before it felt "earned"?

No — we moved at a comfortable, natural pace

It was fast but mutual and felt right

It was intense and moved quickly, looking back it was a lot

Very fast — declarations of love, plans to move in together, within weeks

Pattern: Hot-Cold Cycles

Question 11 of 60

After a fight or difficult period, does your partner go through a phase of being especially loving and attentive — and then things return to the same patterns?

No — resolution leads to actual lasting change

Sometimes, but things generally improve over time

Often — there's a "honeymoon" period but nothing really changes

Always — the cycle is predictable, I live for those brief good periods

Pattern: Self-Erosion

Question 12 of 60

Do you find yourself apologizing frequently — for things you're not sure you actually did wrong, or just to end conflict?

No — I apologize when I genuinely am wrong

Occasionally to smooth things over, but not often

Often — it's become a habit to apologize first

Constantly — I apologize to prevent conflict, not because I was wrong

Pattern: Self-Erosion

Question 13 of 60

Are you a different person in this relationship than you are with friends, family, or at work? Have people close to you expressed concern?

No — I feel consistent and like myself

Somewhat, but that's normal in any long relationship

Yes — friends have noticed or commented

Significantly — I don't recognize who I've become

Pattern: Fear & Anxiety

Question 14 of 60

Do you feel anxious or nervous when anticipating your partner's reaction to something — sharing news, asking for something, or saying no?

No — I feel safe expressing myself

Sometimes, in genuinely sensitive situations

Often — I rehearse conversations before having them

Always — I feel genuine dread when I need to tell them something

Pattern: Lack of Empathy

Question 15 of 60

When you're upset, sick, or struggling, is your partner's response genuinely supportive — or do they minimize it, make it about themselves, or disappear?

They're genuinely caring and present when I need them

Mostly supportive, with some exceptions

Often distant, annoyed, or makes my needs feel like a burden

My problems either get minimized or turned into opportunities to discuss theirs

Pattern: Lack of Empathy

Question 16 of 60

Does your partner's behavior seem different in public or around others — charming and well-liked by friends — compared to how they treat you in private?

No — they're consistent in public and private

A little more formal in public, nothing concerning

Noticeably different — charming out, cold or critical at home

Dramatically different — no one would believe how they act at home

Pattern: Threats & Coercion

Question 17 of 60

Has your partner ever threatened to leave, hurt themselves, expose something private about you, or "destroy" you if you left — as a way to make you stay?

No — they don't use threats to influence me

Once, during an extremely heated moment, but it's not a pattern

A few times — I've stayed partly out of fear of the consequences

Yes, this is a recurring pattern that keeps me from leaving

Pattern: Your Gut

Question 18 of 60

Have you ever Googled "am I in an abusive relationship," "narcissistic partner," or "why do I feel so confused about my relationship"?

No — I haven't felt the need to

Once, but I concluded things were fine

Yes, a few times — enough that I found myself here

Multiple times — I have a whole mental file on this

Pattern: Your Gut

Question 19 of 60

Do you make excuses for your partner's behavior to others — or find yourself defending them to friends who have expressed worry?

No — there's nothing to defend

Occasionally, when people misunderstand context

Often — I give a lot of explanations for why things weren't that bad

Always — even when I know what I'm saying isn't fully honest

Pattern: Overall

Question 20 of 60

Overall — does this relationship make you feel good about yourself, or do you feel smaller, more confused, more anxious than before this relationship?

Better — they make me feel valued and capable

About the same, with some ups and downs

Smaller — I'm more uncertain about myself than I used to be

Significantly worse — this relationship has changed me in ways I don't like

🎭

Deep Dive: Lies & Deception

The next 10 questions go deeper into patterns of dishonesty that often fly under the radar — small lies, shifting stories, and hidden accounts.

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 21 of 60

Does your partner tell small lies about where they were, who they were with, or what they were doing — even for things that don't seem worth lying about?

No — they're consistently honest with me

Occasionally I notice small inconsistencies but nothing major

Yes, often — small things don't add up when I think about it

Regularly — and when I catch it, they always have an explanation ready

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 22 of 60

When you ask for more details about something that doesn't add up, does your partner's story shift or contradict what they said before?

No — their account stays consistent

Rarely — only minor, unimportant details

Sometimes — enough that I've started noticing

Often — asking for details usually creates more inconsistencies

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 23 of 60

When you've caught your partner in a clear lie, do they try to explain it away, minimize it, or turn it around and make you feel like you're the problem for bringing it up?

No — they own it and are honest about what happened

He gets defensive but eventually comes around

Often they reframe it or find a way to make me feel wrong for asking

Always — catching them in a lie somehow ends with me apologizing

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 24 of 60

Does your partner lie about things that don't seem to matter — where they ate, small purchases, who texted them — things with no obvious reason to hide?

No — they're straightforward even about small things

Occasionally, but I chalk it up to forgetfulness

Yes — it's a pattern that's become hard to ignore

Yes, and it's so consistent it's become its own kind of warning sign

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 25 of 60

Have you seen your partner lie to other people — friends, family, coworkers — right in front of you, and then act like nothing happened?

No — they're honest with others

Rarely, maybe small social white lies

Yes, a few times — enough that I noticed

Often — they seem completely comfortable lying in front of me

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 26 of 60

When you confront your partner about inconsistencies in their story, do they flip it and accuse you of lying, misremembering, or trying to create problems?

No — they engage with the actual concern

He gets defensive but doesn't usually flip it on me

Often — I've stopped pointing things out because it becomes about me

Always — I end up being cast as the untrustworthy one

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 27 of 60

Has your partner had secret social media accounts, hidden apps, a second phone, or kept passwords away from you in a way that felt secretive rather than just private?

No — we have reasonable, healthy privacy

He's private but it's never raised a red flag

I've noticed things that seemed like more than just privacy

Yes — I've found or strongly suspected hidden accounts or devices

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 28 of 60

Does your partner deny having said things you clearly remember — as a pattern, not occasional genuine misremembering?

No — we might misremember details sometimes but not in a pattern

Sometimes, but we're usually able to work through it

Often — I've started writing things down because of this

Constantly — I genuinely can't trust my own memory anymore

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 29 of 60

Has your partner ever made up or exaggerated a crisis, illness, or emotional story to get sympathy, avoid accountability, or justify something they did?

No — their difficult moments have always seemed genuine

Once or twice I wondered, but I couldn't be sure

A few times — looking back, something felt manufactured

Yes — I've caught them fabricating situations for sympathy or to avoid accountability

Pattern: Lies & Deception

Question 30 of 60

Does your partner seem to present a completely different version of themselves to different people — like each person or group sees a totally different version of them?

No — they're consistent regardless of who they're around

He's more charming in social settings, but that's not unusual

Yes — different people have very different, confusing impressions of them

Very much so — it sometimes feels like there's no real version of them

💥

Deep Dive: Extreme Reactions

The next 10 questions look at emotional volatility, unpredictability, and physical intimidation — patterns that create a climate of fear even when nothing is "technically" happening.

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 31 of 60

Does your partner go from completely calm to suddenly explosive over small things — a spilled drink, a wrong turn, a text you didn't respond to quickly enough?

No — their reactions are generally proportionate to situations

Sometimes they overreact, but not in a way that feels threatening

Often — small things can trigger a disproportionate reaction

Very often — I'm constantly watching for what might set them off

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 32 of 60

Has your partner ever punched walls, slammed doors, thrown or broken objects, or done anything physically intimidating — even if it wasn't directed at you?

No — never

Once, in an extreme moment, but it's not a pattern

A few times — enough that I've been scared

Yes, more than once — and I've changed how I behave around them because of it

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 33 of 60

Has your partner ever screamed at you, yelled in a sustained way, or gotten in your face during an argument in a way that felt frightening or overwhelming?

No — we raise our voices occasionally but nothing like that

Once, in an extremely heated argument, but it's not typical

A few times — I've felt genuinely frightened

Yes — it happens, and I've learned to avoid triggering it

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 34 of 60

After an outburst, does your partner act like nothing happened — or make it your fault for "pushing them" to that point?

No — they acknowledge when they've been out of line

He's defensive but usually takes some responsibility

Often — I end up comforting them or apologizing after they explode

Always — their outbursts are presented as a logical consequence of my behavior

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 35 of 60

Do you find yourself carefully managing what you say, how you say it, and when you say it — specifically to avoid triggering your partner's anger?

No — I feel free to be myself around them

Occasionally, in genuinely tense situations

Often — I rehearse difficult conversations in my head first

Constantly — it has become automatic in how I communicate with them

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 36 of 60

Does your partner have intense road rage or disproportionately lash out at strangers — waiters, cashiers, or customer service workers?

No — they're generally patient and respectful with others

He gets frustrated, but nothing alarming

More than average — it's been embarrassing or uncomfortable

Yes, noticeably — I've been worried or embarrassed by their reactions in public

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 37 of 60

When you try to set a limit or express a need, has your partner threatened to hurt themselves, leave permanently, or "end it all" in a way that felt like emotional manipulation to make you back down?

No — they express frustration without using threats

Once, during a very difficult moment, but not a pattern

A few times — it's made me back down from conversations I needed to have

Yes, it's a recurring pattern — I've stayed quiet or given in because of these threats

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 38 of 60

Do your partner's reactions feel unpredictable — like you genuinely never know which version of them you'll encounter on a given day?

No — they're generally consistent

He has moods, but they're not wildly unpredictable

Often — I assess their mood before deciding what to say or do

Always — there's genuinely no way to predict what I'll get

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 39 of 60

After an outburst, does your partner minimize how serious it was — "I barely raised my voice" or "you're being dramatic" — when you know what happened was genuinely frightening?

No — they're honest about when they've been out of line

Sometimes they underestimate, but they're generally aware

Often — I end up questioning whether it was really as bad as it felt

Always — I've started wondering if my perception is the problem

Pattern: Extreme Reactions

Question 40 of 60

Does your partner use silence, complete withdrawal, or the cold shoulder as punishment — going quiet for hours or days after you've done something they don't like?

No — we talk things through

He gets quiet sometimes, but it resolves quickly

Often — the silent treatment is one of their go-to responses

Regularly — it can last days and is clearly designed to make me feel it

🍷

Deep Dive: Substance Abuse

The next 10 questions look at alcohol and drug use — including how your partner's use affects you, whether it escalates behavior, and whether it's used as an excuse.

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 41 of 60

Do you suspect your partner drinks more than they admit to — hiding it, understating how much they've had, or behaving in ways inconsistent with what they say they drank?

No — I have no concerns about their drinking

Occasionally I wonder, but I can't say for sure

Yes — what they say and how they act don't always match up

Clearly — and when I bring it up they deny it or get defensive

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 42 of 60

Does your partner's personality change when they drink — becoming meaner, more aggressive, more controlling, or saying things they wouldn't say sober?

No — they're the same person whether they've been drinking or not

He gets louder or more relaxed, but nothing concerning

Yes — alcohol brings out a noticeably different, harder side of them

Yes, and the change is significant — I've come to dread it when they drink

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 43 of 60

Does your partner pressure or encourage you to drink or use substances with them — making you feel boring or uptight when you don't?

No — they respect my choices

He'll mention it but doesn't really push

Yes — there's pressure, even if it's not explicit

Definitely — not drinking with them creates real tension

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 44 of 60

Has your partner driven drunk or under the influence with you, your children, or others in the car — and dismissed your concern as overreacting?

No — they're careful about this

Once, and it was addressed seriously

It has happened and wasn't treated as the serious issue it is

Yes, more than once — and my concern was minimized or ignored

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 45 of 60

When you've raised concerns about your partner's drinking or drug use, do they get angry, defensive, or turn it back on you?

No — they take it seriously or at least hear me out

He gets a little defensive but engages

Often — it usually ends with a fight or with me backing down

Always — raising it is not worth the response it creates

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 46 of 60

Has your partner's drinking or substance use noticeably increased since you've been together — more frequent, higher quantities, or harder to predict?

No — it's been consistent or actually decreased

Somewhat, but within a range that feels normal for life stress

Yes, there's been a clear increase I've noticed and wondered about

Significantly — it has become a real and ongoing concern

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 47 of 60

Does your partner use being drunk or high as an excuse for bad behavior — "I was just drunk, I didn't mean it" — without real accountability for what they did?

No — they hold themselves accountable regardless

Sometimes they reference it, but don't use it as a complete pass

Often — drinking becomes the explanation that closes the conversation

Always — it's the automatic excuse and they expect me to accept it

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 48 of 60

Have you found hidden bottles, pills, or other evidence of substance use that your partner hadn't told you about or actively concealed?

No — I've never had reason to think they're hiding use

Once, but it was explained

Yes, I've found things that weren't mentioned

Yes, more than once — it's become a pattern of secrecy

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 49 of 60

Has your partner ever been physically rough with you, made threatening gestures, or said frightening things while under the influence?

No — never

Once, in a way that felt like a clear aberration

A few times — enough that it's scared me

Yes — it has happened more than once

Pattern: Substance Abuse

Question 50 of 60

Does your partner seem to prioritize buying alcohol or substances over household responsibilities, bills, or your family's needs?

No — they're responsible about this

Occasionally I wonder where money goes, but not a clear pattern

Yes — money for substances seems to take priority in a way I've noticed

Clearly — it has caused real financial or practical problems for us

💸

Deep Dive: Financial Abuse

The next 10 questions cover financial control and manipulation — one of the earliest and most overlooked warning signs. Control over money is control over your freedom.

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 51 of 60

Does your partner know a lot about your income, savings, or finances — while you have little or no visibility into theirs?

No — our finances are relatively transparent both ways

We each have some privacy but there's no significant imbalance

Yes — I know more about mine than theirs in a way that feels lopsided

Yes, clearly — they know my finances in detail and I know almost nothing about theirs

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 52 of 60

Does your partner control the household finances, manage all the money, or give you a spending "allowance" where you have to justify purchases to them?

No — we manage money together or I have full autonomy

He's more involved in finances but it feels like a practical division

There's an imbalance — I feel I need to justify purchases

Yes — they control the money and I have to ask or explain every expense

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 53 of 60

Has your partner pressured or convinced you to add them to your bank account, lease, credit cards, or loans — particularly before a level of trust was really established?

No — financial decisions have been mutual and at the right pace

He's brought it up but hasn't pushed

Yes — I've felt pressure and may have agreed before I was comfortable

Yes — I was pressured and I've since realized it wasn't in my interest

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 54 of 60

Has your partner used your name to take on debt, missed payments that damaged your credit, or made financial moves that hurt you without your knowledge or real consent?

No — my financial health has not been harmed by them

There's been some impact but it felt more like poor decisions than intent

Yes — my credit or finances have been harmed

Yes, significantly — I'm dealing with real financial damage because of them

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 55 of 60

Does your partner criticize or guilt you for spending money on yourself — while spending freely on themselves without being held to the same standard?

No — spending feels mutual and fair

There are some differences but nothing significant

Yes — I feel guilty spending on myself but they don't hold themselves to the same rule

Clearly — it's an obvious double standard and I've called it out without resolution

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 56 of 60

Does your partner owe back taxes, have undisclosed debts, or avoid honest conversations about their financial situation — in a way that has affected or could affect you?

No — their finances are appropriately transparent

He's private about money but I don't have specific reason for concern

I've discovered or suspected things that weren't disclosed to me

Yes — I've found out about significant financial problems they were hiding

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 57 of 60

Has your partner borrowed money from you and not paid it back — or responded to questions about it with anger, guilt-tripping, or making you feel wrong for asking?

No — money between us has been handled fairly

Small things occasionally, handled without issue

Yes — money I've lent hasn't been repaid and asking about it creates tension

Yes — and the reaction when I bring it up is worse than the original amount

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 58 of 60

Does your partner monitor your spending, demand to see receipts, check your bank account without asking, or make you feel shame or fear around what you buy?

No — I feel free and respected in how I manage my money

He's occasionally commented, but it doesn't feel controlling

Yes — I feel watched and sometimes afraid of the reaction when I spend something

Strongly — financial monitoring is a regular part of my experience with them

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 59 of 60

Has your partner made significant financial decisions — for the household, involving shared assets, or affecting both of you — without consulting you or against your wishes?

No — financial decisions are made together

Occasionally on smaller things, but nothing major

Yes — there have been real decisions made without me that I should have been part of

Regularly — I'm often the last to know about financial decisions that affect me

Pattern: Financial Abuse

Question 60 of 63

Has your partner ever threatened to cut you off financially, damage your career or employment, or punish you financially if you try to leave or don't do what they want?

No — never

Once, in an extreme argument — not a clear pattern

A few times — it's made me feel like leaving isn't financially safe

Yes, it's a recurring pattern — financial fear is part of what keeps me here

Pattern: Digital Exploitation

Question 61 of 63

Has your partner ever shown you explicit or violent sexual content without your consent — or pressured you to watch it together?

No — never

Once — I'm not sure if it was intentional

Yes, more than once — it made me uncomfortable and they minimized my reaction

Yes — it was a pattern and my discomfort was treated as the problem

Pattern: Digital Exploitation

Question 62 of 63

Has your partner ever minimized, joked about, or defended sexual violence in media or real life — in a way that made you feel unsafe raising objections?

No — they take these topics seriously

Occasionally — I brushed it off at the time

Yes — and when I pushed back they dismissed or mocked me

Regularly — it's a clear part of how they see women and I've learned not to bring it up

Pattern: Digital Exploitation

Question 63 of 63

Have you discovered your partner consuming violent sexual content — content depicting assault, coercion, drugged victims, or exploitation — whether or not they knew you found it?

No — nothing like that

I've seen things that felt off but I'm not certain what they were

Yes — I found something that disturbed me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it

Yes — and there was more than one incident or it appeared to be a regular habit

You indicated you've been dating this person for less than 2 months. A low score at this stage may mean patterns haven't emerged yet — not that they aren't there. Trust your instincts, and consider retaking this assessment after a few more months.

In the meantime, your Behavior Journal is a great place to start tracking what you're noticing →

You're not crazy for wondering about this. Many women score low at first because we normalize or justify red flags over time — especially in the deep-dive areas like finances and deception, which often appear long before physical danger. If something feels off, trust that feeling. A low score doesn't mean nothing is wrong.

Before is an educational awareness tool — not a substitute for professional counseling, therapy, legal advice, or emergency services. No score can fully capture the complexity of a relationship. A low score does not mean you are safe — it may simply mean more data is needed. If you are in danger, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

🔍 Your Results — Free Summary

The full breakdown — what each pattern means, why it matters, and what to watch for next — is below. Unlock it to read.

Patterns Detected

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Red Flag Assessment

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