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Red Flag Assessment

These questions aren't about obvious abuse. They're about the subtle patterns that smart women dismiss, minimize, or explain away. Be honest — this is just for you.

20 questions. Anonymous. No email needed. Results stay in your browser.

Question 1 of 20

Pattern: Gaslighting

Question 1 of 20

When you bring up something he said or did that hurt you, does he deny it happened, say you're "remembering it wrong," or tell you you're too sensitive?

Never — he takes my perspective seriously

Occasionally, but we work through it

Often — I find myself questioning my own memory

Almost always — I've stopped bringing things up because of this

Pattern: Gaslighting

Question 2 of 20

Do you feel like you're "going crazy" or that your emotional reactions are exaggerated or irrational — but only in this relationship?

No — I feel grounded and understood

Sometimes I second-guess myself

Often — I feel like something's wrong with me

Yes, frequently — and I never felt this way before him

Pattern: Blame-Shifting

Question 3 of 20

When arguments happen, does it reliably end up being your fault — even when the argument started because of something he did?

No — we both take responsibility appropriately

Sometimes I end up apologizing but so does he

Frequently — arguments about his behavior somehow become about mine

Always — I can never remember a fight he took responsibility for

Pattern: Blame-Shifting

Question 4 of 20

Does he bring up your past mistakes during current arguments — things that have nothing to do with the present situation?

No — he focuses on the current issue

Rarely, only if genuinely relevant

Often — it feels like a running list of my failures

Every single argument — nothing is ever forgiven

Pattern: Emotional Control

Question 5 of 20

Does his mood dictate the atmosphere of your home or relationship — everyone walking on eggshells when he's in a bad mood?

No — his moods are his own to manage

Occasionally, but not more than any relationship

Often — I monitor his mood and adjust my behavior accordingly

Always — his mood is the first thing I check when he walks in

Pattern: Isolation

Question 6 of 20

Have you drifted away from close friends or family since being with him — even if it wasn't because of explicit fights about them?

No — my relationships with others are the same or stronger

A little, but mostly due to life circumstances

Yes, noticeably — I see people less often

Significantly — he is my primary relationship and I have few others

Pattern: Isolation

Question 7 of 20

When you spend time with friends or family, does he make you feel guilty, withdrawn, or punish you afterwards (silent treatment, starting a fight)?

No — he supports my outside relationships

Occasionally he seems distant, but nothing significant

Often — I feel I have to "pay" for time spent with others

Always — it's easier to cancel plans than deal with the aftermath

Pattern: Control

Question 8 of 20

Does he comment negatively on your appearance, intelligence, choices, or competence — often framed as "just being honest" or "for your own good"?

No — he's genuinely supportive and respectful

Occasionally, but in a way that feels constructive

Often — I've changed things about myself because of his comments

Regularly — I feel smaller than I did before this relationship

Pattern: Control

Question 9 of 20

Does he try to control your finances, time, what you wear, who you talk to, or other aspects of your life — even subtly or indirectly?

No — I feel fully autonomous in my life

We compromise, but it feels mutual

He has opinions I feel pressured to comply with

Yes, multiple areas of my life feel restricted

Pattern: Hot-Cold Cycles

Question 10 of 20

Early in the relationship, did he move very fast — intense affection, constant contact, big declarations of love before it felt "earned"?

No — we moved at a comfortable, natural pace

It was fast but mutual and felt right

It was intense and moved quickly, looking back it was a lot

Very fast — declarations of love, plans to move in together, within weeks

Pattern: Hot-Cold Cycles

Question 11 of 20

After a fight or difficult period, does he go through a phase of being especially loving and attentive — and then things return to the same patterns?

No — resolution leads to actual lasting change

Sometimes, but things generally improve over time

Often — there's a "honeymoon" period but nothing really changes

Always — the cycle is predictable, I live for those brief good periods

Pattern: Self-Erosion

Question 12 of 20

Do you find yourself apologizing frequently — for things you're not sure you actually did wrong, or just to end conflict?

No — I apologize when I genuinely am wrong

Occasionally to smooth things over, but not often

Often — it's become a habit to apologize first

Constantly — I apologize to prevent conflict, not because I was wrong

Pattern: Self-Erosion

Question 13 of 20

Are you a different person in this relationship than you are with friends, family, or at work? Have people close to you expressed concern?

No — I feel consistent and like myself

Somewhat, but that's normal in any long relationship

Yes — friends have noticed or commented

Significantly — I don't recognize who I've become

Pattern: Fear & Anxiety

Question 14 of 20

Do you feel anxious or nervous when anticipating his reaction to something — sharing news, asking for something, or saying no?

No — I feel safe expressing myself

Sometimes, in genuinely sensitive situations

Often — I rehearse conversations before having them

Always — I feel genuine dread when I need to tell him something

Pattern: Lack of Empathy

Question 15 of 20

When you're upset, sick, or struggling, is his response genuinely supportive — or does he minimize it, make it about himself, or disappear?

He's genuinely caring and present when I need him

Mostly supportive, with some exceptions

Often distant, annoyed, or makes my needs feel like a burden

My problems either get minimized or turned into opportunities to discuss his

Pattern: Lack of Empathy

Question 16 of 20

Does his behavior seem different in public or around others — charming and well-liked by friends — compared to how he treats you in private?

No — he's consistent in public and private

A little more formal in public, nothing concerning

Noticeably different — charming out, cold or critical at home

Dramatically different — no one would believe how he acts at home

Pattern: Threats & Coercion

Question 17 of 20

Has he ever threatened to leave, hurt himself, expose something private about you, or "destroy" you if you left — as a way to make you stay?

No — he doesn't use threats to influence me

Once, during an extremely heated moment, but it's not a pattern

A few times — I've stayed partly out of fear of the consequences

Yes, this is a recurring pattern that keeps me from leaving

Pattern: Your Gut

Question 18 of 20

Have you ever Googled "am I in an abusive relationship," "narcissistic partner," or "why do I feel so confused about my relationship"?

No — I haven't felt the need to

Once, but I concluded things were fine

Yes, a few times — enough that I found myself here

Multiple times — I have a whole mental file on this

Pattern: Your Gut

Question 19 of 20

Do you make excuses for his behavior to others — or find yourself defending him to friends who have expressed worry?

No — there's nothing to defend

Occasionally, when people misunderstand context

Often — I give a lot of explanations for why things weren't that bad

Always — even when I know what I'm saying isn't fully honest

Pattern: Overall

Question 20 of 20

Overall — does this relationship make you feel good about yourself, or do you feel smaller, more confused, more anxious than before you met him?

Better — he makes me feel valued and capable

About the same, with some ups and downs

Smaller — I'm more uncertain about myself than I used to be

Significantly worse — this relationship has changed me in ways I don't like

Patterns Detected

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